Goals and Expectations

I have always been a perfectionist. For good or for bad I am one hell of a perfectionist. I don't like to try, I like to achieve, to go for the best, to aim for excellence... I would say those are the upsides.


Now, the downside is that I compare myself to others, a lot! and since this world is huge and there is always someone better, bigger, more accomplished and more experienced... That is not a healthy thing to do.

I am very much into fitness, exercise, nutrition and health. I love to challenge myself and to achieve things that at first seem impossible. I have to say that the feeling is awesome!






I had a spine surgery four years ago, my surgeon told me I would never be able to run again, and that day, while he made that declaration to me, I did one to myself... I would show him and me that I would not only run again, but I would be good at it, I would even compete; I would not only get better but I would be my very best!

Six months after my rehab was over I was starting my training again. One year after my surgery, I was running 5K races, and One year and a half after surgery I was doing my first Triathlon... I told you, I love challenges!

But then I kind of hit a plateau. My health was completely restored, I felt stronger, but I knew deep down that I could do a lot better than that.
I wanted physical results that would match the hours of training and the discipline I though I was having... I am not complaining about my body, I know it is beautiful, healthy and very woman like... but it was still very far from the top... from what we all know as FIT (Hard rock abs and very low fat %).

And I started to envy the men and women around me who looked that way (i.e http://www.bodyrock.tv/). Who looked the way I wanted to look... I started to resent them, and therefore to blame myself for my less than perfect results.

I had never envied anyone before, and I did not like the feeling! at all!!! I hated the bitter flavor inside me when looking at them... and I though I could not help it, I though I had to learn to deal with it...
But then I realized I was conforming, I had stopped reaching for my full potential and that was not me!!!
I decided to stop that right away!

I made a conscious decision to replace the negative feelings with positive ones. First I had to start focusing in myself and not in others. Then, I had to accept I was making mistakes... so I had to identify them, fix them and keep up the hard work and the discipline.
These were my new resolutions, and that is exactly where I am right now.

I have been looking for diet flubs... for example, I though I was not eating sugar, but I was! it was sneaking in in several parts of my diet... I just left it for good, and now it is out of my granola, my bread, my juices...
I noticed I was eating a chocolate bar almost everyday, and there was no excuse for that! I am in big cleaning process right now, especially getting rid of bad habits.

I am asking experts for advice, I am educating myself and I am being patient (or at least, trying to be patient) in the process, because changes take time and it is important to be persistent for several months before noticing the real transformations, now I have several people that have become my serious inspiration, I want to be where they are and I want to achieve what they have achieved, but I am seriously happy they are so successful in what they do, because there is always place for improvement for us all...
It has been a long and tough process but I seriously believe I will get there...I might not be perfect but I sure want to be the best me I can be.

My Dad

My dad and I have a story.

He and I were like two forces of nature in my teenage years, when I thought I knew it all and I was convinced he knew nothing.
And to aggravate the situation, It was only him, my brother and I during those years. My mom and sister were out of the picture and I felt lonely in my role as a woman.
If he told me black, I did white... I always felt he was invading my space and wished he would go away in one of his long work trips... I celebrated when he departed and was upset when he came back. Everything he said, did and thought got to my nerves and made me roll my eyes... I was such a stupid little girl!

The years have passed and I am not a teenager anymore... I found the man of my life, I grew up and went away from home.
The circumstances have changed for my whole family and the countries, places, homes and moments have flipped like a pancake in a pan for us. My dad realized he missed his family and decided to go after it, and the thing was that the kids were not kids anymore, one of his "kids"already had kids of her own, and we all had started families of our own... and he ended up homeless... without a place of his own, he is now in the middle of spaces, looking for a way to make the equation work, and neither him nor us know how to do it.

It is strange how life works... when I was a girl I always missed seeing him in my ballet recitals, I always wished he would light candles with me in Candle Day, when I waited until 10pm, looking through the window and he only showed up until hours later when I was already asleep and the candles had long been melted.
I resented  him for a long time, I was angry and upset and couldn't find a place of my heart of forgiveness... until I finally did.

I was shocked when I realized all the things my man forgave to his parents. All the aggravations they did to him when he was a little kid were outrageous, and he does not keep an ounce of resentment in his heart. He loves them for what they are, and forgives everything, knowing deep in his soul they did as much as they could with what they had.

And there I was, a spoiled woman still acting like a little brag, condemning her dad for his absence, only criticizing him and feeling sorry for herself...  My hubby taught me an important lesson, one that changed the essence of my heart and the way I love.
I know now, how were my dad's early years and how strict and tough his parents were with him. He never received a hug or an "I love you" from them.... they never gave him any expression of love... they raised him in the only hard way they had known, and that's how my dad raised us, in the only way he had once learned, he was never physically hard on us, but he didn't know how to be loving with us either.


To see him now with his grandchildren has been beautiful. At the beginning he did not know how to approach them or how to interact with them. But the kids know better and loved him for who he is.















He is different, he loves differently and now he lives lo love them, to give things to them, to see them, to take pictures of them and to share them with us.
I saw him cry when he read the Christmas Card they had done and signed for him with Crayola, and I have seen his heart melt when he holds them in his arms.

Life has an intricate way to teach us lessons. And as a daughter I have a lot to learn from a 4 and 5 year old, who seriously know how to love without expectations, without remorse, and specially without judgment.

He has a lot to teach, he has a smart and practical way to see the world, but he also has an artistic side, he loves to take pictures of architecture and nature. My mom has told me he loved taking pictures when he was younger, and now decades after, he has came back to his old hobby.

I personally believe he has a lot of talent, but beyond that I see him through the eyes of love every time he is taking one of his thousands of pictures, because he is showing it to me with pride, teaching me about angles and lighting.  I listen intently because I know he is thrilled to teach me something he loves and I feel lucky now that he wants to spend his time with me.




Because I am really lucky I still have him in this world, I am lucky he is healthy and vigorous, I am lucky he wants to learn about me and who I am and I am lucky he tells me he loves me every single time I see him or talk with him.

I am lucky I can hug him back and tell him how much I love him and how happy and grateful I am to have him in my life.

This picture was taken by my dad in a rainy day

This picture was taken by me in a rainy day
(he inspired me to give it a try)

Perspective

Life... It is a little bit of everything, it is sweet and it is sour, it is just a matter of perspective... I have learned with the years that even if I don't have it yet, Perspective is everything you need to have a smooth and happy life.
Because sour moments can easily spoil the taste of the cake, or they might as well enhance the sweet flavors on it.

I have been quiet the last couple of months. Sometimes I fear that I might have lost my inner voice, but no, it is there, always there, it is just that sometimes I don't feel like writing... and I have decided that if it doesn't flow, I must never force it, because it stops being fun and it becomes a chore, and God knows how much I hate chores!

I have been facing life changing decisions, as well as so very sweet moments next to the love of my life, enjoying the simple pleasures of waking up together or cuddling in the middle of a rainy Wednesday afternoon.

I also saw death taking someone from this world and it made me sad, scared and wonder about the meaning of life and what is beyond...

I saw a perfectly young, healthy, beautiful woman, mom and wife die. Her true soul was taken away because of a debilitating illness, I saw her eyes lose their sparkle and her body get tired and extremely weak, thin and sick.
I felt a deep sorrow for her, for her husband, and for her two year old beautiful daughter, who will never remember her mom... It is unfair, but I guess it is never fair, It just happens and we have to deal with it, and we will never be ready for it, NEVER!

I have faced my own demons... those guys are very scary, they are powerful and when they take control I lose myself and my sense of light and dark, up and down, right and wrong.

I have decided I will change my perspective about this last issue. I don't feel like being scared anymore. I want to be powerful, I want the angels in me to be powerful, so the voices of the demons become weak and become so tiny, that one day they just disappear and I won't even miss them anymore.



And that's all there is to it... to life, to death, to mysteries, to decisions, to moments, to feelings... Perspective... I feel like changing it to a sunny bright spectrum.

The Challenge

Two years ago my man and I bought our bikes. But as crazy as we are, we went all out, because he really wanted to start going out in a real road bike, one of those with carbon fiber frame, that require spandex outfits, and since he did not want to have the adventure by himself, I ended up purchasing something I did not have a clue how to ride.
Seriously, no clue! I did not learn how to ride a bike as other regular kids do.
When I was 9 years old, I had just left the training wheels and took my first attempt in my brother's bike in a parking lot. I found myself going straight to a lightning pole and as a magnet, I could not help aiming towards it, in a freaking huge parking lot!!! so, at the last second, I missed the frontal collision, but I still freaked out, left the grips and embraced the pole without hitting the brakes.
Well I guess you can imagine it did not end pretty.... not serious injuries, but that experience was scary enough for me to declare, I was or was never ever gonna be good at riding bikes, and I thought that was the end of it.
Until I decided it was not... two years ago!
Two months before the fancy expensive purchase of the road bike, I made a personal agreement. I was going to learn something new, and I wanted to defeat my fear of bikes.

At first I bought a cheap one, that I liked because it was purple. I did not know a thing about shifting gears, or braking, or not embracing myself to lighting poles while riding a bike. I was terrified, but at the same time assumed the challenge and went for it.

My plan was to start going to work in my bike, so I needed to learn how to ride it... and I was not living with my hubby at that time, so I just went to Walmart on a Saturday morning, looked at the bikes and said, I want the purple one!... as if buying a new scarf or a can of soup. Just another item in my grocery list.
And put the thing on a borrowed truck, because I had decided I was going to get myself a bike.
At first it was terrifying. I could barely move the pedals without losing balance, but little by little got a hang on it. I was still scared with people passing two meters away from me, or cars driving next to me.

One morning, I finally felt ready to hit the road and cover the 3 miles to work on my bike, I secured the helmet, left home 30 minutes earlier and closed the door behind me with a heart that was beating so loud I could swear it woke up my neighbor.

Flash forward 2 months: Specialized bike store... Frank talking to the sales man about carbon fiber, pedals, tires, saddles, forks, crank sets, and me staring at him wondering if I was really going to spend thousand of dollars on a bike, after my less than a hundred bucks Walmart purchase!

He finally saw the ones he wanted, and with the blink of an eye we had 2 road bikes, black -not purple!!!- in the middle of the entry hallway of our tiny one room apartment!

The first time we went out, he took me to a slow road, and I had to learn to clip and unclip my bike shoes... easy said, not so easy done... I knew that once I clipped my shoes to the bike I would be attached to it, without a chance to put my foot back on safe ground, so it was scary! very scary.

The second time we went out, he took me to a mountain, the mountain that professional bikers around here go to for their workouts, with a distance of 6.5 km and an elevation range of 395 mts - that, my friends, is a very steep slope - specially for a newbie like me!, oh boy!!! my ambitious husband, he believes in my athletic abilities, more than I do!

I was terrified, like holding-my-grips-so-tight-my-hands-will-cramp terrified... dealing with cars, trucks, buses, and motorcycles going fast and very close to me, and could take it for only half way, my heart rate was so high I could barely breath and my legs were burning like crazy.

So the third time, he figured a plan to get me to the top of the hill... he attached an elastic band from the back of his bike to the front of mine, and he pretty much pulled me all the way up...  I do believe in his fitness abilities, he's a monster on that bike!
It was a sweet gesture from him, and I was capable of enjoying the ride, since the effort was reduced to half for me!- although the competitive one in me felt a little bit frustrated for not doing it by myself-

Flash forward other three months: I was doing my first triathlon, crazy? yes, and I enjoyed every second of it.  It was one of my greatest achievements, because I could ride my bike in a competitive pace, I looked convincing the whole 15 miles, I felt strong and healthy, but most important I did not fall, crash, or had any type of encounters with lighting poles.

 Overcoming that fear has meant a lot to me, and although I am still learning how to ride my bike standing up, and I am too scared to release one hand in order to drink water (I still need traffic lights and get easily dehydrated in long distances), I know that the feeling of accomplishment and overcoming that fear, has been one of the biggest, toughest, sweetest challenges of my life.

I am back...

I just arrived to Bogota. My Hometown. The place where my man lives. And that is why I keep coming back, to see him, hug him, kiss him, and let him do the exact same thing

Now, I can stop telling him how much I miss him because I am exactly where my heart is and there is room only for love, now I can tell him, looking straight into his eyes, how much I missed him.

The day before yesterday I flied back, the whole day in airports, tons and tons of stinking delays, bad food, and a very sore back... but it was worth it, because at the end of it all, past midnight, seeing his face again at that airport gate paid it all back with interest! 

One would think I am used to the whole routine after so many times going back and forth. Well, the true is that I am not. I get butterflies about a week before the trip, and then my butterflies get butterflies while I am flying, and anticipating my arrival...
There is a mixed weird emotion inside of me, there is anxiety, impatience, and sparkles of fear, I don't even know exactly why I get scared, but I do, I can't help it, so I just let them be, because when I see him and kiss him again, there is not weirdness... it feels as if I saw him just yesterday and everything falls into place.

Right now I am so emotional! and when I get emotional I cry, in the weirdest moments! and I always raise eyebrows because, sometimes crying is not what is suppossed to happen, smiling is most appropriate and politically correct... but right now I am too happy and I just cried... crazy? yes, I am that looney, I know...

Anyway, besides it all... It's holiday season!!! there are christmas lights, christmas music, and christmas trees e v e r y w h e r e... December is here and I am officially crazy in love with it all.
 I smile every single time I drive in front of a house full of decoration and lights, and I am listening to Christmas Music day and night both in English and Spanish, because there is only one language for bells and happy Christmas songs.

And two nights ago, we celebrated one of my favorite Christmas traditions: "Candle Night"... it is officially the beginning of the Holidays for us. It is a night in which families gather together to light candles, and we make wishes for every candle we light... and then we just sit together to talk, and see how the candles melt, until there is only wax all over the curb... it is spiritual, fun and magical...and I could make it happen next to my man, and that was pure joy!







They are not dying, they are just letting go...

The other day, my sister was driving her 3 year old son home, and she told him to look at the trees… the wind was blowing that day and there were hundreds of leaves falling from the trees and filling the roads in yellow and red layers of colors, she told him to see how the trees were losing them all and they were being left with nothing in their branches.

The little one, asked his mom in a very worried and concerned tone if they were dying.

Trying to explain herself and to evaporate his sadness, preoccupation- and possible future traumas- she replied that they were just fine, that the leaves were becoming very heavy and since the cold months are in their way, the trees needed to rest and let them go.

Yesterday, as I was speaking with my hubby on the phone, I was observing the very same amazing show of leaves falling in a magic dance and described to him how beautiful the trees look during Autumn, and that now that Winter is arriving, all the trees will just die.

He clarified that they were not dying, they were just letting them go, but the same trees will be back into action next Spring…Wait a minute, I know that, then why did I end up jumping to that very same conclusion? I guess in the back of my mind, letting go was synonym of dying…

And I guess if we humans were trees, the situation of the transition between the seasons of Fall and Winter would be as follow:

We’d be hanging out with our neighbors, other fancy trees with gorgeous green leaves during Summer time, we would all start changing colors, and probably with a little bit of worry we’d start trying to interpret and understand what that could possibly mean.

But when the tree next to us started losing its leaves, we’d be mortified, first we would be apprehensive that the same would happen to us, and we’d be afraid, we’d want to stay away and when we’d start losing our first leaves, we’d blame him for infecting us, then we’d hate him, and we’d start hanging on to all the leaves that for now would be brown and dry. We would ask for help to the birds, we’d try to bribe them to not go and help us keep the leaves in the right place, we’d try to put the leaves that start falling into our pockets (if trees had pockets, of course) and we’d try so hard to keep’em all… there would be drama, there would be tragedy, pity parties and tears, lots and lots of tears… but of course we would still want the new blossoms that come with the first showers of Spring, because we as humans want it all… we are not willing to let go, but we also want great things coming our way,

we are greedy!

 I really believe that in order to get new things, we should be willing to let go the old ones… to get new habits we have to let go a lot of bad stuff, to experience new things, we have to let go the status quo.

There is an old saying “Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't know”, I don’t like it, for me that’s just an excuse to not try new things, that’s a justification of our fears.

Of course, there is no certainty that things will go all right, but what if they are fun?

When we see life thru the eyes of right vs wrong, of success vs failure, of gain vs lose, we are doomed, because we just don’t know, and we will never know for sure; I seriously think that life is more than a yes/no question, there is not only black and white, grey is full, is abundant and is fulfilling, is not judgmental and is not polarized.

When things go great, then awesome, we achieve. But when things go messy, nasty, tough, and hard, that’s when we learn, that’s when we grow, that’s when our character and temper are tested, that’s when we really know who we are and who our true friends are.

It’s not that we go thru life wanting bad or complicated things to happen to us.

But since we can’t prevent them from happening, what meaning does it have to live without taking risks? When we don’t let fear and uncertainty paralyze us, that’s when we really start to live fully and freely.

Trees don’t know that the leaves will grow back, they don’t know that there are cold months ahead with nothing but snow and dry air, they don’t know that after that there will be a reward of humidity, blossoms, and new fruit, they don’t know anything, but they still let go. I think there’s a lot of wisdom behind this nature process, a lot we can all learn a little bit from.

I don’t know what’s next for me, I have no idea where I will be next year, or even within 3 months, but I know for sure that there are new things heading my way, new is good, change is good, change means options, and options are always friends with freedom.

I guess confidence doesn’t come from knowing things will be all right, but from knowing that we will be all right no matter what happens.

Mermaid

I really believe that if I was not a mermaid in a previous life, I will be one the next time I am born...

I love water!!!

Being underwater is magic to me, there is silence, there is peace, there is perfection.

My body is capable of rolling, swinging, dancing, all in slow motion, it feels like flying, I have never been in outer space, but I think that is how it feels to be in zero gravity... the movements flow beautifully.

I love to swim because it brings me to a spiritual layer, it puts me in the zone, my soul feels replenished and I can just be me. I have swum while smiling, and I have done it while crying, and everything in between...

And you know what?

No one cares, no one is looking, it is just me with myself, with my thoughts, with my dreams, with my fears. And that is what freedom tastes like to me.





My husband knows me so well now, that he knows that when I am stressed or sad, all I need is a good dose of swimming, not only as a workout, but as an environment.

He knows that as soon as my feet get to touch the water in any pool/river/creek/or lake and my body gets fully immersed, a huge smile appears in my face, immediately!

That is the effect it produces in me, it never fails, it soothes me.

Psychologists might say that it reminds me of what I felt when I was in my mom's womb... I do not know that, I was a little too young to remember, but it is always good to know the things that puts us in peace with ourselves, with our realities, and with our world.

And every time we are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated or stressed, just try to go back to it, as a refugee for a tired soul and allow it to work its magic and get us recharged and back into action.