Goals and Expectations

I have always been a perfectionist. For good or for bad I am one hell of a perfectionist. I don't like to try, I like to achieve, to go for the best, to aim for excellence... I would say those are the upsides.


Now, the downside is that I compare myself to others, a lot! and since this world is huge and there is always someone better, bigger, more accomplished and more experienced... That is not a healthy thing to do.

I am very much into fitness, exercise, nutrition and health. I love to challenge myself and to achieve things that at first seem impossible. I have to say that the feeling is awesome!






I had a spine surgery four years ago, my surgeon told me I would never be able to run again, and that day, while he made that declaration to me, I did one to myself... I would show him and me that I would not only run again, but I would be good at it, I would even compete; I would not only get better but I would be my very best!

Six months after my rehab was over I was starting my training again. One year after my surgery, I was running 5K races, and One year and a half after surgery I was doing my first Triathlon... I told you, I love challenges!

But then I kind of hit a plateau. My health was completely restored, I felt stronger, but I knew deep down that I could do a lot better than that.
I wanted physical results that would match the hours of training and the discipline I though I was having... I am not complaining about my body, I know it is beautiful, healthy and very woman like... but it was still very far from the top... from what we all know as FIT (Hard rock abs and very low fat %).

And I started to envy the men and women around me who looked that way (i.e http://www.bodyrock.tv/). Who looked the way I wanted to look... I started to resent them, and therefore to blame myself for my less than perfect results.

I had never envied anyone before, and I did not like the feeling! at all!!! I hated the bitter flavor inside me when looking at them... and I though I could not help it, I though I had to learn to deal with it...
But then I realized I was conforming, I had stopped reaching for my full potential and that was not me!!!
I decided to stop that right away!

I made a conscious decision to replace the negative feelings with positive ones. First I had to start focusing in myself and not in others. Then, I had to accept I was making mistakes... so I had to identify them, fix them and keep up the hard work and the discipline.
These were my new resolutions, and that is exactly where I am right now.

I have been looking for diet flubs... for example, I though I was not eating sugar, but I was! it was sneaking in in several parts of my diet... I just left it for good, and now it is out of my granola, my bread, my juices...
I noticed I was eating a chocolate bar almost everyday, and there was no excuse for that! I am in big cleaning process right now, especially getting rid of bad habits.

I am asking experts for advice, I am educating myself and I am being patient (or at least, trying to be patient) in the process, because changes take time and it is important to be persistent for several months before noticing the real transformations, now I have several people that have become my serious inspiration, I want to be where they are and I want to achieve what they have achieved, but I am seriously happy they are so successful in what they do, because there is always place for improvement for us all...
It has been a long and tough process but I seriously believe I will get there...I might not be perfect but I sure want to be the best me I can be.

My Dad

My dad and I have a story.

He and I were like two forces of nature in my teenage years, when I thought I knew it all and I was convinced he knew nothing.
And to aggravate the situation, It was only him, my brother and I during those years. My mom and sister were out of the picture and I felt lonely in my role as a woman.
If he told me black, I did white... I always felt he was invading my space and wished he would go away in one of his long work trips... I celebrated when he departed and was upset when he came back. Everything he said, did and thought got to my nerves and made me roll my eyes... I was such a stupid little girl!

The years have passed and I am not a teenager anymore... I found the man of my life, I grew up and went away from home.
The circumstances have changed for my whole family and the countries, places, homes and moments have flipped like a pancake in a pan for us. My dad realized he missed his family and decided to go after it, and the thing was that the kids were not kids anymore, one of his "kids"already had kids of her own, and we all had started families of our own... and he ended up homeless... without a place of his own, he is now in the middle of spaces, looking for a way to make the equation work, and neither him nor us know how to do it.

It is strange how life works... when I was a girl I always missed seeing him in my ballet recitals, I always wished he would light candles with me in Candle Day, when I waited until 10pm, looking through the window and he only showed up until hours later when I was already asleep and the candles had long been melted.
I resented  him for a long time, I was angry and upset and couldn't find a place of my heart of forgiveness... until I finally did.

I was shocked when I realized all the things my man forgave to his parents. All the aggravations they did to him when he was a little kid were outrageous, and he does not keep an ounce of resentment in his heart. He loves them for what they are, and forgives everything, knowing deep in his soul they did as much as they could with what they had.

And there I was, a spoiled woman still acting like a little brag, condemning her dad for his absence, only criticizing him and feeling sorry for herself...  My hubby taught me an important lesson, one that changed the essence of my heart and the way I love.
I know now, how were my dad's early years and how strict and tough his parents were with him. He never received a hug or an "I love you" from them.... they never gave him any expression of love... they raised him in the only hard way they had known, and that's how my dad raised us, in the only way he had once learned, he was never physically hard on us, but he didn't know how to be loving with us either.


To see him now with his grandchildren has been beautiful. At the beginning he did not know how to approach them or how to interact with them. But the kids know better and loved him for who he is.















He is different, he loves differently and now he lives lo love them, to give things to them, to see them, to take pictures of them and to share them with us.
I saw him cry when he read the Christmas Card they had done and signed for him with Crayola, and I have seen his heart melt when he holds them in his arms.

Life has an intricate way to teach us lessons. And as a daughter I have a lot to learn from a 4 and 5 year old, who seriously know how to love without expectations, without remorse, and specially without judgment.

He has a lot to teach, he has a smart and practical way to see the world, but he also has an artistic side, he loves to take pictures of architecture and nature. My mom has told me he loved taking pictures when he was younger, and now decades after, he has came back to his old hobby.

I personally believe he has a lot of talent, but beyond that I see him through the eyes of love every time he is taking one of his thousands of pictures, because he is showing it to me with pride, teaching me about angles and lighting.  I listen intently because I know he is thrilled to teach me something he loves and I feel lucky now that he wants to spend his time with me.




Because I am really lucky I still have him in this world, I am lucky he is healthy and vigorous, I am lucky he wants to learn about me and who I am and I am lucky he tells me he loves me every single time I see him or talk with him.

I am lucky I can hug him back and tell him how much I love him and how happy and grateful I am to have him in my life.

This picture was taken by my dad in a rainy day

This picture was taken by me in a rainy day
(he inspired me to give it a try)

Perspective

Life... It is a little bit of everything, it is sweet and it is sour, it is just a matter of perspective... I have learned with the years that even if I don't have it yet, Perspective is everything you need to have a smooth and happy life.
Because sour moments can easily spoil the taste of the cake, or they might as well enhance the sweet flavors on it.

I have been quiet the last couple of months. Sometimes I fear that I might have lost my inner voice, but no, it is there, always there, it is just that sometimes I don't feel like writing... and I have decided that if it doesn't flow, I must never force it, because it stops being fun and it becomes a chore, and God knows how much I hate chores!

I have been facing life changing decisions, as well as so very sweet moments next to the love of my life, enjoying the simple pleasures of waking up together or cuddling in the middle of a rainy Wednesday afternoon.

I also saw death taking someone from this world and it made me sad, scared and wonder about the meaning of life and what is beyond...

I saw a perfectly young, healthy, beautiful woman, mom and wife die. Her true soul was taken away because of a debilitating illness, I saw her eyes lose their sparkle and her body get tired and extremely weak, thin and sick.
I felt a deep sorrow for her, for her husband, and for her two year old beautiful daughter, who will never remember her mom... It is unfair, but I guess it is never fair, It just happens and we have to deal with it, and we will never be ready for it, NEVER!

I have faced my own demons... those guys are very scary, they are powerful and when they take control I lose myself and my sense of light and dark, up and down, right and wrong.

I have decided I will change my perspective about this last issue. I don't feel like being scared anymore. I want to be powerful, I want the angels in me to be powerful, so the voices of the demons become weak and become so tiny, that one day they just disappear and I won't even miss them anymore.



And that's all there is to it... to life, to death, to mysteries, to decisions, to moments, to feelings... Perspective... I feel like changing it to a sunny bright spectrum.